Cold feet: Reddit posts provide a glimpse into engagement doubts
J. Kale Monk¹, Tyler Jamison², Matthew A. Ogan³, Karen E. Talley¹, Dawson E. Boron¹, Jennifer L. Harper¹, Amber Haas¹ & Lauren Huff¹ https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1111/jomf.13113
¹University of Missouri – Columbia | ²University of New Hampshire | ³University of Tennessee–Knoxville
The difference between a successful marriage and divorce often depends on issues raised before couples say, “I do.” Thus, the engagement period marks a crucial time for couples to weigh the pros and cons of marriage before entering a legal commitment. A research team comprised of faculty, current students, and alumni of the University of Missouri aimed to shed light on this crucial phase by examining how fiancés talk about hesitation and uncertainty in their engagement.
Due to the stigma of ending a relationship at this critical stage, many couples avoid talking publicly about their relationship doubts. This is especially true for couples that recently announced their engagement to their family, friends, and nowadays, the world via social media. Dr. Monk and his team understood that calling off an engagement can be seen as taboo and sought to find where fiancés would feel comfortable sharing their premarital doubts. The answer? Anonymous internet posts.
Reddit, an online forum, can provide an outlet for fiancés who are uncomfortable sharing their relationships elsewhere. After scouring Reddit for engagement related posts, the study’s authors identified 36 Reddit posts from 34 young adult fiancés who were experiencing premarital doubts. In the comments, these posts had over two thousand replies from more than 1500 strangers responding to the fiancés’ concerns. The researchers looked at common themes across the posts and examined them with a lens grounded in relationship theory.
Dr. Monk and his team found that fiancés who were considering calling off their engagement struggled with concerns about the future while simultaneously justifying their love and existing commitments to their partners. Researchers found that across posters, many fiancés faced similar experiences: they frequently disclosed red flags, justified their commitment, grappled with hesitation, and attempted to visualize their potential future of life-long marriage. Concerns about the future ranged from simple personality differences to dangerous or unsafe behaviors, which resulted in very complicated stay/leave decisions.
For example, one fiancé struggled with ambivalent feelings saying “Yes, fiancé is caring, he supports me, he is what so many women would want in a man. Strong, hard-working, etc. But I cannot help but to think I should not marry him. That I want to be with someone who thinks of me as an equal partner in the relationship.” In response to their posts, anonymous commenters often validated the fiancés’ concerns while helping them visualize how and if they should move forward with marriage.
Using Reddit, our researchers uncovered a unique glimpse into how couples visualize their future during this important step towards marriage. The common themes found in this study may inform couples therapies, future research, and our own relationships. Whether or not you’re engaged, married, dating, or single, understanding the processes underlying relationships can help us identify what we want and expect from healthy relationships of our own.